I'm 59 and I still don't have a "perfect home". I used to struggle much the way I read that some of you struggle with the guilt of not having a home that represents you the way you would like to be represented. Perhaps in the more modern family structures with both the wife and husband working, couples have not only found a way to share the work-load but also the ownership of the condition of the house. If they have that's great, but generally, the wife usually takes the ownership--especially if she doesn't work outside the home.

I remember my mother hiding dishes in the oven when unexpected company would pop around (one time she forgot they were there when she was preparing to start dinner). Those were the days when women hardly ever worked outside the home. Once the children were in school, women in my mother's neighborhood would hurry and get their house straightened up in the morning and then have a coffee clatch break with other ladies in the neighborhood at one of their homes. It was an incentive to get the chores done and they weren't as lonely during the day. It was very relaxed and nice. Their houses generally looked nice. But, I also remember the moms (two in our old neighborhood) that LOVED to read and their houses were a mess!! Mind you, this was when all women did was stay home and it was expected you would have a tidy and well-run home. But, their children were always exposed to some wonderful outside the box thinking and crafts, etc. and I remember appreciating their bravery to be different and to be okay with it.

In my "day", women's lib was just starting up again with a vengence against anyone who wanted to maintain the old stereotype of staying home--for any reason, even the very worthwhile one of raising your own children. We were considered dumb, lacking imagination and traitors. We stay-at-homers were lonely and unfortunately women were pitted against women in that battle. I have to say I do feel a little proud of my bravery to be different and to be okay with it, though.

I am so proud of young women today. There are many very educated, bright, imaginative women who understand the value of raising their own children who have many choices available to them, but decide the most rewarding is to invest in their families. But, being a stay-at-home mom lacks immediate validation and in fact is worse with the added guilt of a messy home. I don't have words of encouragement only reality. With small children, it is nearly impossible to keep a tidy home every minute. But, I don't think you should try. Back in my mother's day, children were not valued as much as they are today. They were to be "seen and not heard". Spending quality time with them, teaching them the ABC's, reading to them was not emphasized. However, we as children were expected to help in the picking up and chores.

I started my children at age 3 picking up their rooms before bedtime and making their beds beginning at age 5 before kindergarten. It takes a lot of extra time to let your children fold the laundry or clean the bathroom and it doesn't get done as well as you would do it. It takes a lot of extra time to follow-up on whether chores have gotten done and discipline is carried out and consistent. It even takes extra time to set and unload a table (even letting your children do the setting and cleaning up) so the family has at least a few minutes quality time together at dinner. The best of both worlds is a mom who spends that quality time with her children teaching them responsibility, discipline, the love of reading and fun like arts and crafts, etc. But, the house won't always be clean--neither was my mom's when her children were small, and neither was mine. That is reality. The answer is always balance. Is it unhealthy? Okay, then.

Good luck girls--there is light at the end of the tunnel. I now have two of the greatest children who love their parents and honor them greatly with their lives and with beautiful grandchildren for us to enjoy. I have a wonderful husband (my first and only) and we enjoy a wonderful relationship.

I never called myself a housewife. I always called myself a homemaker and mother. I never called myself a sterlingly clean housekeeper. I called myself a homemaker and mother. There is so much more to making a home and mothering than a clean house.