There are many myths surrounding adoption.  As an adoptive mother, home study provider, and therapist, here are my "Top 10" and the truth from my professional and personal experiences.

  1. You cannot love an adopted child as much as your own.  The reality is that once the child is placed with you, he or she is "your own."  Biology alone does not make you a parent -- love does.  As the mother of both biological and adopted children, I can honestly tell you that you love them just the same.
  2. You will never be their "real" parent.  Once again, it is love that makes a family.  If you are feeding them, changing their diapers, keeping a roof over their heads, and loving them, you are a real parent.
  3. It costs a fortune to adopt.  Adoption can be costly, but it doesn't have to be.  Adoption through most states' foster care systems is free.  Even a private adoption does not have to break the bank.  Some employers offer adoption assistance or a pre-paid legal plan.  There are tax credits for adoption.  There are also many organizations that offer grants or low-interest loans for adoptions.  Several of my home study clients have used word of mouth to find a birth mother who is making an adoption plan.
  4. The birth mother or birth father may come back to take my child away.  Many prospective adoptive parents have this fear.  However, it is virtually impossible.  Once parental rights are terminated, either voluntarily or by the state, there is no going back.  Adoption attorneys are required to notify unknown birth mothers or birth fathers who can't be found that their rights are being terminated. 
  5. An open adoption is never a good idea.  Many adoptive parents are afraid that an open adoption can be confusing for a child.  They also worry that the birth parents will realize what they gave up and want the child back.  In some cases, open adoption is a bad idea.  However, if the adoptive parents can set clear boundaries that the biological parents will respect, an open adoption can be very positive for the child.  It is better to start out more closed, and open up if you are comfortable.
  6. The home study is a difficult process.  While there is a lot of paperwork involved, the home study should be a comfortable experience for all involved.  My goal as a home study provider has always been to help the prospective adoptive parents relax.  The home study should never be adversarial.  There is sensitive information that must be shared, but it should be asked in a respectful manner.
  7. If I have any kind of problem in my background, or I am single, I will immediately be ruled out as an adoptive parent.  Different states have different laws regarding who can and cannot adopt.  So do different countries.  Unless it is a very recent problem, a felony conviction, or a verified issue involving child abuse or neglect, you may be surprised at your ability to adopt.  The most important thing that you can do is to be honest and upfront with your adoption agency, attorney, and social worker before you get started.
  8. If I adopt an older child or teenager, he or she will undoubtedly have issues.  While many older adoptees may have been through trauma, not all of them have.  Some older children or teenagers may come from loving biological or foster homes that are disrupted due to death or financial issues.  Some children and teenagers are very resilient.  While there are adoption-related issues to be worked through, many people have successfully adopted older children.
  9. If I adopt a baby, I never have to tell him or her that he or she is adopted.  It is never a good idea to keep adoption a secret.  Adoptees who were never told often have a nagging feeling that something is "off".  Think of the message that you are sending -- that adoption is a shameful secret.  How much better it is to send the message that you are extremely happy to have them join your family.
  10. Adoption is the second choice for building a family.  Many people struggle with infertility, and this is not meant to negate their struggles.  However, once a couple has resolved their emotional issues regarding infertility, adoption may become their first choice.  Many adoptive parents have told me that they wish they had skipped the failed fertility treatments and gone straight to adoption, because their ultimate goal was to be parents.  Other people who can have biological children choose adoption due to family medical history, already having biological children, or for other reasons of their own.
 
I hope that this has provided useful information regarding some of the myths surrounding adoption.  If you have any questions, you can reach me on Nesting.com for further discussion.