Mother May I?  Or, things parents do that drive stepparents up the wall (and vice-versa)

Do you remember the playground game called "Mother, May I?"  In the game (which is a modified version of tag) one kid is "the mother" who has their back turned.  The other kids have to ask permission to make certain moves and sneak up on the mother.  The first kid to move up and tag the mother then takes over as the new mother.  The first kid might say, "I want to take three steps forward, mother may I?" and the mother would say "Yes you may."  Then the next kid says, "I want to take two jumps forward, mother may I?" and the mother might say "no you may not," etc.

Anyway, I was thinking about this game the other day because I feel like I'm playing it in real life with my stepkids' biological mother.  Here's why:
  • She doesn't allow me to do my stepdaughter's laundry.  Ok, I admit I did turn her white denim shorts pink, but I think being banned is a little harsh.  
  • She expects me to do my stepson's laundry.  To be fair, he only wears dark t-shirts, basketball shorts, and smelly socks -- but still. 
  • She always sounds sort of disappointed when I answer the phone.   Really -- who was she expecting?? 
  • She ignores me.  When planning the schedules for the kids, she only consults with my husband.  Obviously he is their dad, but I participate in most of their activities (or drive them there!) and need to adjust my schedule accordingly. 
  • She places more importance on her family events than mine.  Yes, I suppose that celebrating her grandmother's second cousin's birthday is important.  But my parents' anniversary party is just as important, even if she doesn't think of them as her kids' "real" grandparents. 
  • She expects to be consulted about every bump, bruise, cough and sniffle.  I always thought that a little anti-bacterial spray and a band-aid worked just fine, but apparently I am unaware of the dangers of MRSA.  And I now know cough syrup does not replace the need for immediate emergency intervention when H1N1 influenza is rampant!  It's amazing my own kids didn't die of typhoid or cholera at a young age. 
  • She has divided the kids' clothing into "Mom's" and "Dad's."  For some reason, all clothing that she purchased must be taken back to her house, and any clothing we purchased must come back to our house, which means someone has to keep track of who bought which socks, shoes and shirts.  It requires packing and unpacking several times a week, and often means many side trips to her house to pick up things that got lost in the shuffle.  Is that really how we want to spend our time?

I could go on, but you get the idea. These things drive me up the wall.  However, when I looked back, I realized that I did ALL of these things when dealing with my own kids' stepmother.  (I'm sorry, L.J.!)  I was trying to be the best mother I could be for my children, and honestly, I was afraid of being replaced.  It's scary to parent your children part-time or from a distance.  It's scary to let someone else parent them.  It's just down-right terrifying, if you really want to know the truth!  So I try to be understanding with my stepkids' mother, and I bite my tongue a lot.  While her methods may not make sense to me, I know she is doing the best she can because she loves her children.  And so do I.  Next time I ask "Mother, may I?" I can only hope she'll say "Yes, you may!"