Adoption has changed a great deal over the years.  In the beginning, it was usually a means for an unmarried pregnant woman to rid herself of her shameful secret.  The adoption file was sealed, and it was virtually impossible to obtain information about either the birthparents or the adoptee.  Then the pendulum swung the other way.  Now some families, birth and adoptive, develop friendships and have frequent contact.

Try to visualize an open adoption.  Is it the adoptive and birth families spending every holiday and birthday together?  Is it a confused adoptee thinking that he or she has two sets of parents?  Is it a birthmother showing up at the adoptive family's door, demanding her child back?  It is scenarios like these that lead prospective adoptive parents to choose either a totally closed or even an international adoption.  But what is the reality of an open adoption?

Adoptions can have different levels of openness.  Some birth and adoptive parents choose to meet before, during, or immediately after the birth -- and then have no other contact.  Sometimes pictures are exchanged on a regular basis through the adoption agency.  Other times, families may meet at certain intervals, such as annually.  The adopted child may or may not know that the person they are meeting is their birthmother, although it is always better to tell the child the truth as soon as he or she can understand it.  Other relationships are even more open, and the two families may develop friendships.

What are the benefits of open adoption?  To begin with, it gives the child a chance to find out why his or her birthparents made an adoption plan.  Often young children have fantasies about why their birthparents chose adoption -- either that they were forced into it or conversely, that the child was unwanted.  Some children think that it was all a mistake and one day their birthmother will show up to claim them.  It is very healthy for a child to hear the story behind the placement, and to understand that it was done out of love.  It also helps for a child to have biological family history.  If you find out that the birth family is prone to having certain illnesses, you can take steps to prevent them in your child.  You and your child can also find out where certain traits come from.  Maybe your daughter has her birthfather's gray eyes.  Or your son has his birthmother's curly hair.  I was telling my son's birthmother that he runs track, and she told me how much she loved to run when she was in school.  Now I know where he gets it from. 

What are the drawbacks of an open adoption?  Adoptive parents may feel threatened by a relationship with the birth family.  They may wonder whether they will measure up to their expectations, or whether the child will like his "real" (i.e. biological) family better.  A birthmother may feel judged as well, for her position in life and for her decision to place her child for adoption.  If the family has more than one adopted child, other children may feel jealous or hurt if their birthparents do not choose to have a relationship with them.  Adopted children may feel torn in their loyalties.  They needs to be reassured that their adoptive family will be their family forever -- but that it is okay to love (or not to love) their birth family.  Honest discussions with an adoption-competent therapist can help to address issues such as these. 

How do you open an adoptive relationship?  The best way is to proceed with caution.  Just like you cannot "unsay" something once you say it, it is hard to close up an open adoption.  It is better to start with pictures, accompanied by letters, with no identifying information.  If you and the birth family become comfortable with each other, you can arrange a meeting in a neutral spot, with or without the child present for the first meeting.  It is important to have boundaries and ground rules.  An older child would need to know not to give his cell phone number to a birth family member without his parents' permission.  The birthparents need to know what the ground rules are for calling the child.  They also need to know how much information is too much information to share with a child.  It is also important not to expect too much.  Don't expect an instant bond between your child and the birth family just because they are "blood."  Don't expect the birthmother to be an instant best friend.  Relationships take time to build, and this is a relationship built on loss.  The birthparents have lost the ability to raise their child.  And the child, although in a great and loving home and family, has lost some connection with his or her birth family.  The adoptive parents have lost out on the experience of conceiving and carrying the child.  Parents who adopt older children have also lost out on their child's younger years.

In regard to this, children who are adopted at an older age, rather than as infants, usually already have some kind of relationship with their biological family members.  This relationship may not always be positive, but it is there.  While it is important to protect your child from negative relationships, it is equally important to preserve relationships that are important to them -- as long as they are not harmful to the child.  If you find yourself having to protect your child from a toxic previous relationship, it is best done with the help of a professional therapist.  Conversely, there may be a grandparent or other relative in the child's life who has done the child no harm, and it would be beneficial for the child to maintain contact with that person.  If necessary, this contact can be done without providing your address or phone number, so that the relative is not in the awkward position of having this information and not being able to share it with other family members.

A well done open adoption where both sets of parents respect each other can be very beneficial for adopted children.  It gives them a chance to see where they came from, and to know their whole adoption story.  There is an opportunity for grandparents and biological siblings to be involved, and for your child to meet people that her or she looks like.  Who knows...you may discover a new extended family that you come to love and cherish.