Discipline-based parents are more likely to bring about the desired and appropriate behavior changes that they want to see and expect in their kids. While punishment-based parenting may lead to immediate behavior changes, it is also likely to tear down the sense of self worth, leave kids feeling insecure, while only temporarily motivated to comply.

Punishment-based parents do not usually place a high priority on communicating clearly, fairly, nor specifically what they expect from their kids. Usually it seems to be of little importance to them that they communicate in clear and specific terms (when ever possible and ahead of time) what the consequences will be if the unacceptable behavior continues.  They are usually concerned primarily with putting an immediate end to the unacceptable behaviors that are present at the time.  Not only is their main goal to bring to a screeching halt the undesired behaviors, it is usually their only goal and objective.  Since they usually involve few words to clarify or to explain, they leave their kids feeling surprised and caught off guard. 

The idea that the misbehavior or challenge to their authority could possibly provide a valuable learning opportunity with their kids doesn't usually cross their minds.  And since punishment for the purpose of bringing about immediate behavior change is their primary focus, their kids are often left surprised and caught off guard-even when they may actually know what it is they did that was unacceptable.

What's a parent to do?

Kids, especially our younger ones, do not yet have the full capacity to effectively and successfully process and evaluate what is appropriate behavior and what is not.  Nor are they always capable of clearly understanding what it is that we expect from them without our telling them.  They must learn much of this through their interactions with us after they have misbehaved or challenged us.  Our kids are, in fact, "unfinished products."

When our children have misbehaved or challenged our authority, it is easy for us as parents to assume that either they do know, or that possibly they are intentionally challenging our authority in order to gain control over us.  While this may at times be the case, there are also times, especially with our younger children, when they simply don't know how they are to be, or what it is we expect from them.  It is for this reason important that we clearly and fairly communicate verbally along with any actions we need to use.  It is our efforts to do so that will help them learn more appropriate and acceptable ways of conducting themselves and what consequences they can expect when they don't.

The following scenario occurs thousands of times every each day in supermarkets all across the country:

Mom just got out of the office, is tired, in a rush, and annoyed by the long lines at the check-out stand, and to top it all off, she is overwhelmed by the high prices of food products these days.  Scott is in his usual place inside the cart that Mom is frantically pushing down and around the isles.  Unlike Mom, Scott is in no particular hurry, nor do the high prices or long lines overwhelm him much.  But he is tired, and just like Mom, he too, is hungry.  Since Scott is hungry and because it is his nature to want just about anything within his reach-especially if it contains sugar-he continues to ask Mom to buy things that are not on her shopping list.  With each, "No, not today," Scott responds with a whinny, "Why?" and a continuation of the begging and pleading.

Consider this discipline-based parenting reaction to this common supermarket occurrence:

"Scott, we came to the store today for just a few things that are on our shopping list.  I am not going to buy anything else, and I want you to stop asking."  (Scott continues to beg, plead and whine anyway).  "Hold it Scott.  I told you that I do not plan to buy anything that is not on our list.  I also made it clear to you that I did not want you to continue to ask me to buy more.  You can either continue to beg me and to bug me, and to whine when I refuse, or you can choose to stop right now."

If you decide that you are going to continue to ask me to buy things that I do not want to buy, then when we get home you will eat dinner and go right to bed.  You will not be able to play your usual game or to watch your favorite television program.  So you have a choice to make.  If you choose to stop begging and pleading, then I think you and I can make the best of our trip to the store and maybe even have a good time talking about something other than what you want me to buy.  So what's it going to be?"

Compare and contrast the above discipline-based parenting reaction to this punishment-based parenting reaction:

The same weary, overwhelmed Mom, with the same demanding, whining Scott says, "Stop begging and whining or I'll give you something whine about!  I knew I shouldn't have brought you with me to the store today.  If you don't quit making my life even more miserable than it already is, you'll pay dearly when we get home.  I might even just leave you here!"

If time were the only consideration, then possibly this punishment-based parenting approach would have worked just fine.  What time-pressed and weary parent would choose a dialogue and interaction with their kids that takes ten times the amount of time and energy to complete if the shorter effort would get the job done just as well?

The main idea to remember in this situation is that even if the shorter punishment-based approach worked in getting an immediate behavior change, it still does not clearly communicate the values that are important for parents to instill in their kids.  Rather, it leaves children at the very least, confused and usually angry as well -- not so much because they failed to get their way, but because of how they were treated in the process.  It is not usually their failing to get their way that lights a fire of rebellion and chronic anger under our kids, but rather how we treat them in the process of our saying no and expressing expectations.  

Raising great, healthy and angry-free kids really does take more time, more thought, and certainly it takes more effort than does simply "growing" a kid. Quite honestly, it would be much easier for us parents if we could somehow extract the desired behavior changes from our kids with just a little pain that didn't leave physical or emotional scars! Or if only all it took was for us to throw out some ill defined "catastrophic expectations" our kids could count on when they misbehaved, and they would be frightened into submission. 

But the wonderful-and sometimes taxing-task of raising healthy kids requires that we weary parents be willing to take the time to confront and challenge them in ways that helps shape them and enable them to grow and mature. And it requires something else from us just as important and even more time consuming.  The task of raising emotionally healthy kids requires that we throw into the mix a generous dose of communication that clearly states what our expectations are and what the consequences are that they can count on when they have stepped outside the boundaries we have set for them.

Discussion questions:

When you were growing up, did your parents usually take the time to follow your misbehaviors, challenges, and the consequences that occurred with helpful and supportive communication about what had happened and what could be learned?

Looking back, would you say that if they did take the extra time to help you understand what happened, that it was helpful to your growth and development?

Would you say that as a parent today, you take the time and make the effort to process with your kids when they have misbehaved and had to pay the consequences? 

Do you see any positive results so far in your efforts to communicate and to follow up after your kids have misbehaved? 

If you do not usually take the time to follow up with constructive and healing communication about what has happened, do you see any negative results?

What are some fresh ideas that could possibly create the opportunity for learning when your kids have disobeyed you?