What to do when divorced parents find that most wonderful person, a second chance for a lasting relationship, wanting their children to also love this person, but the kids aren't buying it?

"This is the most wonderful person in the world!"  "Finally I have found the love of my life, my soul mate, so why are my children acting so horribly?"  These are lamenting words spoken from frustrated, disappointed, and frequently, angry parents.  Having experienced a failed marriage, the thought of a second chance at love, and a future filled with the "right" mate, is glorious!  How lucky can one be?  And, your children whom you love dearly are creating chaos and mayhem in the relationship -- a relationship that you do not want to lose. Behaviors of rudeness, defiance, failing grades, anything that interferes with your opportunity to enjoy a new love, come to mind.  These beloved children are not on the same page as you.  You may be in love, but they aren't!
As I listened to these frantic parents who were fearful of losing this second

chance at love, I could hardly contain myself.  As soon as I could interject a word, I would calmly say, "You may be in love, you may have found your soul mate, but your children already have a parent, a parent whom you divorced. There was a life before divorce, family memories that existed before your found this wonderful, can't live without, person.  Regardless of any negative feelings toward the other parent, they typically feel a sense of loyalty for this parent."

Typically, this would make the parent pause, ponder, and then pounce!  "Well, what am I supposed to do?  I don't want to lose this woman.  She is the best thing that ever happened to me!"

When I felt I had the full attention of the person sitting in front of me, I gave them some suggestions.  Suggestions not only learned through reading, workshops, training, but personal relevancy!  

Often, the personal suggestions I offer are the most meaningful, because they were experienced first hand:

  • Remember this is the person YOU are in love with.  Don't expect your children to feel the same way.  
  • Don't break dates with your children to spend time with the new love. If you have always gone to your son's soccer games, never missing one, don't start now.  It will be an immediate competition between your new love and your child.
  • Don't insist that your children attend events with you and this new person.  Ask if they want to go to a Saturday matinee, and graciously (although disappointed!) accept a "no" if that is the response you receive.  Or, let them suggest an activity.  They may be more willing to include this "other" person if they have the choice.  
  • Don't bring her or his children along every time you have your children. Most children of divorce feel they lose time with their non-custodial parent.  Sharing precious time with the children of a parent's main squeeze is typically resented.
  • Do discipline your own children, and have your new love discipline his or hers. Otherwise, you will have resentful children, saying "You aren't my boss."·  
  • Remember you divorced your children's other parent.  Respect that relationship, and speak with regard, not disdain of this parent.
  • Time is of the essence.  Allow your children time to know this person. Don't rush them toward approval and acceptance.

"I never introduced my children to someone until I knew this person was special.  If it was a casual relationship, not something serious, I didn't feel my children needed to be involved."  This was a message I heard from men and women who were dating.  I think the message is profound, and worth utilizing when dating.  Children who have experienced the disillusion of their parents' marriage do not need to be given false hope.  It has personally pained me to listen to children talk about a parent's boyfriend or girlfriend, whom the child had come to care about, counting on his or her presence, and then the relationship ends.  Children are devastated again, suffering another loss.  When people are moving in and out their lives frequently, they learn to question the permanency of any relationship, doubting that it is ever possible.

It can be an emotionally challenging time rediscovering love again -- and, even more so with children in tow.  But, it can also be very rewarding, and as all parents know, children do grow up, make their own way, and how lovely it is to have a soul mate for those "after children" years.  Patience, time, and understanding are the keys to your children's acceptance of your new love.