Q. My husband doesn't want to help with the kids when we come home from work.  I've tried asking him but he just shrugs and watches TV, leaving me with most of the work.  He's a good guy otherwise, but I just don't know how to get him to help.

A. The good news is that your husband is a good guy, which means he's pretty reasonable and pitches in at other times.  The bad news is that in this situation, he's not reacting in an adult manner to his responsibilities.  You need to talk about this when the children aren't around and you have a little time.  Ask him what about helping with the kids bothers him.  Then put those objections on the table in such a way you can work together to relieve that just-home-from-work chaos.  If he wants time to decompress, make an agreement that you will hold down the fort for the first 20 minutes, then he can either start dinner or help with the kids.  Make sure he knows specifically what he needs to do -- some men don't do well with vague suggestions, but give them a concrete assignment and they will focus on the project at hand.  For instance, you can make a list of all the things that need to be done with the kids, like their empty backpacks, rinse out lunch bags and thermoses, watch them as they play outside, start on homework, etc.  Also, outline the time frame in which you want him to participate.  Explain (probably again) that you both work and are both tired when you come home, but that it won't be nearly as difficult if you pitch in together.  Be firm (not nasty) and don't apologize for what you are saying. You made these kids together and until they leave the house, it will take both of you to raise them.  He may be imitating what he saw his father do, or simply feel entitled to relax.  If he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything when he comes home, then that is a matter for counseling.

Q. My parents have never liked my husband much and don't really make a secret of it.  It wouldn't matter that much, except that they want us to travel up to their house (about 45 minutes, usually heavy traffic) to see them at least twice a month.  They claim driving is too hard for them (they are in their mid-60s and active).  While my husband doesn't always go, I don't like going up alone and it cuts into our weekend time together.  The kids don't enjoy it either and would rather play with friends.

A. One of the developmental tasks of adulthood is to differentiate from our family-of-origin.  That means that at some point, you become your own person with your own priorities, likes, and needs.  Your parents are treating you like you are still their dependent daughter instead of the grown woman you are. Differentiating is often difficult because it means your parents are not going to be happy that you are upsetting the way things have  been.  I think you already know the answer to this question but aren't looking forward to doing something about it.  That is entirely understandable, but your parents are not entitled to a twice-monthly visit at your expense, no matter how much they want to see the kids.  You say they are active, which means driving for an hour isn't that much to ask.  One way you might approach this is to tell them the kids have activities, and that it is taking too much of your family time.  Suggest that once a month they drive down and the next month you will drive up.  If they balk, and they will, don't say anything else; just repeat what you have already said.  In fairness, they may not have ever thought about this from your perspective.  If you don't mind them coming down twice a month, then you certainly can suggest that.  Or, you can suggest that they drive down for one of the children's activities mid-week.  The important thing is that you don't want to be resentful of them, and you will be if you continue to do something you resent.