Today's pornography is a far cry from sneaking peeks at National Geographic magazines under the bed.  Today, pornography plays a major role in divorce, displacing affairs and money as the main reason for divorce.  The reason, of course, is computer accessibility. 

Before computers became the main purveyor of porn, there were magazines that had to be purchased in person and videos that had to be rented in person. These items needed to be physically concealed and had to be viewed primarily at home, making their use difficult, especially if one spouse disapproved of them.  Computer porn is available anywhere there is a computer or iPhone.  No more uncomfortable exchanges at the drugstore or video rental; no show of ID. A click of a computer mouse brings images up immediately, images that often cannot even be shown legally in magazines.

Most men who view pornography think there is nothing really wrong with it. They like to say that all men do it and so what's the big deal.  To be clear, not all men who look at pornography are addicts.  For some men, it is an occasional thing and that does not impact their lives.  The truth is there are many, many men who do not look at porn and do not think it is right.  There are also men who look at it but don't think it is right and wished they didn't.The question is, is it always harmful and is it ever okay?

The answer is quite simple: It is not okay if you are not okay with it.  And even this has a caveat because there are women who start out saying they are not bothered by it but end up feeling differently as pornography begins to take over their real sex lives. They often feel used and cheapened by what their partner wants. 

You have probably heard of the reasons why pornography is not good.  It creates an unhealthy view of women, it objectifies women and no "real" woman can ever measure up to the airbrushed images of perfect bodies and faces.  But there are deeper, more damaging reasons that pornography is not good.

Men who have difficulty with emotional intimacy can get hooked on being sexually satisfied by images that do not make demands.  The women in those videos don't ask them to pick up the kids, figure out something for dinner, or go shopping.  Men who are prone to being withdrawn tend to become even more so with porn. 

As far as actual sex, men tend to view their partners with a far more critical eye than the average man who does not look at porn.  They tend to become more bored with normal sex, and if the relationship as a whole is not doing well, they may disengage rather than fight for it.

But the worst aspect of pornography is that it can become addictive chemically, not just emotionally.  Studies have proven that the same areas of the brain that light up with heroine or cocaine, light up with pornography.  And even more damaging, eventually, to get their sexual "hit" users don't even have to have the pornography in front of them, merely remembering causes the brain to react exactly as though they are actually seeing it.

The reason so many divorces result from pornography is that there is no real middle ground if the partner does not want to stop.  The woman, upon finding out about the pornography, feels the same as she would if there had been an affair.  She doesn't look at her husband the same way.  She feels betrayed, she doesn't trust him, and sometimes with good reason because pornography addiction can lead to chat room activity and sometimes even acting out.  The guy may make matters worse by saying there's nothing wrong with what he's doing and blame her for all the fuss.  (While I have used the masculine pronoun throughout, it is important to note that women struggle with pornography as well, as one in three visitors to pornographic websites are female).

What can you do if you discover your partner is looking at porn?  First of all, let him know you know.  Talk about it, asking how and when he started looking at it.  If it is a longstanding habit, you need to seek out someone who has experience working with couples where pornography is an issue.  You will have a lot of feelings to process, and it is more productive to do it in counseling.

If he wants to stop, he should see a therapist himself to process how he started on this journey.  Begin reconnecting in a meaningful way with your partner, even if you feel you've been connecting all along.  Allow him to know how you feel and let him know it will probably take some time for you to trust him again.  He should not be keeping his phone or computer locked but rather, he should be an open book to show he is serious about getting the relationship back on track. 

Pornography doesn't have to end your relationship.  There are countless couples who have conquered it and strengthened their relationship as a result.  A firm approach where you don't hide your feelings, a therapist if necessary, and a desire to repair the relationship will put you on the right track.  Emotional intimacy is the result working through problems and persevering together.

Giving your relationship a chance just may be the best thing you've ever done for yourself.