Among the top reasons given for the breakup of a stepfamily is all the confusion in pulling two in-process families together into one combined effort.  In addition to learning to live with each other, stepparenting couples face the difficulties of coordinating their careers and obligations.

A first-time family usually starts pretty much from scratch in most areas: first home, first careers, first children, first extracurricular activities.  The new couple begins all these new adventures from a dead stop, picking up speed together and running in rhythm with each other's developing lifestyles.

The stepfamily, on the other hand, has two distinctively developed lifestyles already in full swing when he and she decide to join forces.  It's sort of like jumping from a south-bound train onto a north-bound train, while both trains are traveling at full speed, and while the jumpers have their arms full and their eyes closed!  No wonder so many stumble in the landing!

When we work with stepparenting couples, either in our support groups, or in private sessions, we first seek to get their feet back under them by helping them see that it is natural to have a few stumbles, considering how much they take on.  Stepfamilies are designed to have several ready-made problems.  The secret is to be ready for the problems and to know the best way of dealing with them.  Through years of working with thousands of stepfamilies (and through our own experiences) we have found that certain rules are true.

First is the absolute necessity for the couple to work together cooperatively, not to fight each other to get their own ways.  The best thing a stepparent can do for their stepkids is to love and support their mate.  Without selfless, hardheaded support, a stepfamily faces an uphill battle.

The next must-do is to openly discuss your beliefs, desires, wants, and attitudes about the foundation points of your new marriage.  We use a workbook called "The Rule Book" to help couples discover each others' feelings about their home and to establish household guidelines.  This strengthens the couple's unity and helps their kids to understand where they stand.

From juggling job schedules to custody visitation times to holiday traditions, stepfamilies find themselves bombarded with pressing decisions from the very first day.  Holidays bring on even more stress as the two families struggle over such sensitive issues as whose Christmas decorations to use, when to open gifts, which Thanksgiving recipes to use, and where the kids will spend what part of which day!

It really is too much to expect for an on-the-go couple to figure out the intricacies all by themselves, which is why we urge all stepfamilies to get some sort of outside help, whether in the form or private mediation, stepparenting classes, or a local support group.  The encouragement and advice from an experienced third party can often mean the difference between success and another divorce.