Last post I started a conversation by looking at some of the factors that will likely influence you in your choice of parenting style.  With this in mind, let us now turn our attention to some of the research that does suggest that different parenting styles do tend to lead to different developmental outcomes for the children.

"Discipline is the obligation of relationship." - Frank Marrero

Starting in the 1960′s, Diana Baumrind began researching what the differences were between various parenting styles and whether or not there were any observable differences in the developmental outcomes of the children. She identified three main parenting styles and this classification was based on two different dimensions of the parent's behavior: responsiveness and demandingness. 

Responsiveness

"...intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, and acquiescent to the child's special needs and desires." – Diana Baumrind

Responsiveness refers to the degree to which the parent recognizes and gives room for the child to be his/her own person.  A responsive parent listens to their child, reflects that they understand their needs, desires, feelings, and beliefs, and tries to engage in an appropriate amount of give and take in daily life with the child.  An unresponsive parent does not encourage verbal give and take, does not value individuality and independence, and values obedience and compliance above all else.  A lack of responsiveness leads to poorer developmental outcomes on the whole. 

Demandingness

"...claims parents make on the child to become integrated into the family whole by making maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys." – Diana Baumrind 

Demandingness is a term that refers to the parent creating healthy limits and guidelines for harmonious living, being clear with the child what is expected of him/her, and supervising and disciplining "out-of-bounds" behavior.  These limits help keep the child safe and guide them towards healthy living of all kinds, particularly the learning of how to engage in the proper give-and-take necessary in family life.  This emphasis on interdependence requires that we not only teach our children about the rules and roles of the family, but that we help them develop their capacities of impulse control, delaying gratification, and attuned, empathic relating.  Parents who do not place maturity demands on their children handicap them later in life by allowing them to remain narcissistic, impulsive, and less able to control their emotions and work towards longer term goals. 

(At Essential Parenting being responsive is described as the provision of unconditional love and space to be themselves, and demandingness is the creation of healthy boundaries and limits.  We find demandingness to be a poor word choice as healthy limits can be set in a kind way -— and when done well —- are truly a form of love.) 

 

"Self-discipline is a form of freedom.  Freedom from laziness and lethargy, freedom from expectations and demands of others, freedom from weakness and fear." - H.A. Dorfman 

I will finish this post by summarizing the three classic parenting styles laid out by Baumrind and the general developmental outcomes of the children exposed to each style.  (Note that a fourth style was later added by Macoby and Martin: neglectful parenting who were low in both responsiveness and demandingness and had the worse outcomes of all.  Parental involvement is absolutely necessary for healthy maturation). 

Authoritarian parenting (low in responsiveness, high in demandingness): In preschool, these children were moody and unhappy, more aimless, and did not get along well with other children.  By age 8 and 9, they were lower in achievement motivation and social assertiveness.  In the teen years, they continued to be low on achievement motivation, rated higher in seeking adult approval, and lacked individuation and autonomy.  On the bright side, they were found to have less drug use than the permissive parenting group. 

Permissive parenting (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness): The preschool children in this group lacked impulse control, were more self-centered, and were low in achievement motivation.  By ages 8 and 9, they scored lower in both cognitive and social competencies.  And in adolescence, these teens continued to be low in achievement motivation and competence, exhibited lower degrees of self-regulation, and had higher drug use than both authoritarian and authoritative groups. 

Authoritative parenting (high in responsiveness, high in demandingness): The preschoolers of this group were energetic, socially outgoing, and independent.  The 8- and 9-year-olds were high in achievement motivation, friendly, and socially responsive.  The teens of this group were highly individuated, mature, strong in self-regulation, and remained high in achievement motivation.

 

The take home for me from this research is this:

Children mature most easefully into their full potential when they are both:

  1. Respected for who they are, how they feel, and are given room to practice their emerging autonomy and
  2. Are provided with healthy limits that lovingly draw out their emerging capacities of impulse control, delaying gratification, and attuned and empathic relating. 

 

Children are perfect exactly as they are -— "a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars," says the Desiderata.  And they have a long way to go in developing into their full potential.  They need our loving guidance to help get them there.  Let boundaries flow from your heart and become a direct communication to your child: the most nourishing of relationships rest in love, and love requires discipline.