We all know it is important to be consistent in parenting but it's hard to be 100% consistent.  Consistency is especially hard in the middle of the night when we are tired and not thinking clearly about how to get a child back to sleep.  And we need to be consistent, not just individually, but as part of a parenting team.  Parents need to talk about their goals, making sure they agree on them so they can present a united front to the child.  Ideally, caregivers or grandparents who are frequently with the children should be brought on board.  Sending mixed messages to even a very young child will only cause frustration for you and your child as he or she searches for routines and predictability.

Behavioral scientists call mixed messages "intermittent reinforcement" -- meaning sometimes you give in, and sometimes you don't.  Babies, toddlers and other young children can't decipher what type of behavior merits rewards, and what type of behavior does not.  Will you change your mind if your child screams or whines long enough (in which case you may be training him or her to cry longer in hope of getting what he or she wants)?  Inconsistently reinforced behavior is the hardest type of behavior to modify or extinguish, and it often provokes even more of the tears we were initially trying to avoid.  For instance, even a very young child may know that if he cries long enough, he can elicit a certain response from you -- at least some of the time.  So he may cry until you come take them out of the crib and into your bed -- but on another night he'll cry and you don't take him into your bed.  He won't get it.  He'll only cry longer and harder.  In other words, your inconsistency is creating even more of the behavior that you are trying to avoid!  And intermittently reinforced behavior will take longer to change.  It will usually get worse before it gets better -- if we stick to our goals long enough to make it better.  This is particularly true if the child is more than a year old.  Responding to a child's behavior in different ways all the time is counterproductive, and this is magnified with sleep behavior.  Understanding intermittent reinforcement is the cornerstone to successful sleep coaching! 

Let's look at a typical example of inconsistent behavior -- the dreaded candy in the supermarket checkout line.  Nine times out of ten, you have immediately said no to any previous requests or whining.  But, that one time, when maybe you couldn't find your checkbook or your purse spilled on the floor, or when there was a long line of impatient looking people behind you, you gave in to stop the whining.  You handed your child that silence-ensuring candy bar.  Now, fast forward to the next time you are standing in that same line.  Your child begins to fuss, asking for the same brightly covered candy bar he or she had last time.  "You haven't even had lunch," you explain.  "Last time was special," you plead.  His whines grow louder and more insistent.  He thinks (quite legitimately), "Why can't I have one now if I had one before?"  His cries now escalate to a confused roar as you frantically search for your checkbook, accidentally spilling your purse onto the floor...we see this scene so vividly because it's happened to all of us before. 

So imagine the same situation minus the brightly colored and distracting supermarket, no hope of a candy reward, and a tired, cranky child, and -- voila!  You now have bedtime.  Think of how painfully difficult and confusing inconsistent behavior might be for your child to handle in the middle of the night when he's exhausted and doesn't know how to go to sleep or go back to sleep without a sleep crutch (nursing, bottle feeding, rocking, walking, pacifier re-plugging, etc).  With sleep training, you need to be very, very consistent.  If you are trying to move a child out of your bed and into a crib, you need to keep him in the crib every night -- not most nights.  If you are trying to stop pacing up and down the hallway with him from 3:00 to 4:00 a.m., you need to resist the urge to pace every night -- not most nights.  Your child will not understand why you nurse him to sleep or lie down with him on Tuesday, but let him scream for ninety minutes on Thursday.  Or why you won't take him to your bed at 1:00 a.m., but at 4:00 a.m. relent because you are too exhausted to be consistent.  Babies and toddlers can't tell time!  He's going to cry -- it's his way of saying, "Hey, what's going on here?  It's late and I'm tired and I need to go back to sleep.  Why can't I get into your bed now when you let me yesterday?" 

Decide on routines and set your goals.  If you aren't consistent, you are just making it harder for yourself and your child. The best way to minimize, and then eliminate, the bedtime tears is to have a consistent plan.  Decide on a response to his awakenings and then stick with it.  Your child may protest the change -- for a few nights he may wake up even more but inconsistency will only make it worse.  If he cries, you shouldn't relent but that doesn't mean you can't comfort and soothe him.  Precisely the opposite -- soothe him, help him, show and tell him that you love him and the tears will stop.  Children actually crave consistency at bedtime, and ALL the time.  It reassures them, they know what to expect and what is expected of them, and it helps them feel safe and sound.  It is truly the key to parenting and especially sleep success.