Parenting is especially difficult for adults whose own parents were not consistently and reliably nurturing, and/or who did not provide safety and protection.  The early attachment between an infant and a parent is critical to an infant's survival and the foundation for a child's mental health and emotional development.  All of the parents I have worked with want the best for their babies.  Many of us want our children's childhood to be better than our own.  Often we worry about falling short of being the "perfect" parent.  Don't be so hard on yourself -- there is no "perfect parent."  And being a good parent is well within our reach. 

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT THEORY?

Attachment theory has its roots in the 1950s when English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth conducted pioneering research on infant attachment.  "Attachment" is used to describe the bond between a baby and a parent.  Bowlby and Ainsworth identified four types of attachment -- 3 insecure and 1 secure.  We, of course, want the secure attachment -- a safe, loving, protective, and nurturing one.

WHAT IS A SECURE ATTACHMENT?

Secure children are confident that their "attachment figures" (usually Mom and Dad) will be available, responsive and helpful in meeting their needs and protecting them from dangerous or frightening situations.  One goal in creating a securely attached relationship is to establish a basic sense of trust in the child's world.  From the infant's perspective, a safe and trusting world is simply "when I need you, you'll be there for me."  Infants depend on their parents for all their basic needs.  Available and responsive parents will hear or observe their child's cues and respond accordingly.  Infants build trust when their needs are met.

CONSISTENCY, RELIABILITY AND PREDICTABILITY

To promote a secure attachment, parents need to be consistent, reliable and predictable --- 3 closely related attributes.  This is certainly true when we want to help our children learn to sleep.  But it applies to all other aspects of parenting as well.

First, parents need to be consistent in meeting the infant's physical needs.  This can simply mean being consistent in routines, like feeding, sleeping, changing diapers, and bathing.  Having a routine -- a general structure, not a minute-by-minute scripted and rigid regiment -- and following it every day provides a dependable structure.  Babies like it.

Second, parents need to be reliable.  Babies will internalize, "I can rely on my parents to feed, clothe, and bathe me because they do it over and over again."  The baby doesn't have to worry or be anxious about whether his own needs will be met. 

Finally, parents need to be predictable.  When consistency and reliability have been established, infants can be confident that their needs will be met in a predictable manner.  By demonstrating these 3 attributes, a trusting pattern emerges in the relationship.

COMMUNICATION AND HEALTHY ATTACHMENT

The attachment relationship goes beyond a baby's physical needs.  It includes an emotional attachment and lots of physical affection.  Infants express their feelings through crying, smiling, vocalizing, and raising their arms -- actions which bring the parents to the infant and maintain physical and emotional closeness.  Parents also must appropriately respond, not just to a baby's smile, but to a baby's cry.  They need to recognize what a cry means, and what needs the infant is expressing.  (Not every cry is a hunger cry)!  This doesn't mean suppressing every tear -- sometimes good parents do tolerate some protest from a healthy, well-fed and loved infant.  For example, your 7-month old may initially protest when you put him in his bouncy seat in the kitchen while you prepare dinner.  Acknowledge his protest but go ahead and put him in the bouncy.  Keep him at a close, safe distance so you can talk to him and interact in a loving soothing way while you cook.  Check in with him by eye contact, talking to him and offering him things to play with, giving him reassuring pats and hugs.  You are not ignoring or abandoning your infant, you are acknowledging his feelings while staying emotionally available and engaged.  This type of exchange is the start of healthy emotional development and healthy regulation of feelings.  Infants learn that it is safe to express all their feelings, whether happiness or frustration.

SUMMING IT UP

Parenting that can create a securely attached child entails: 

-Being sensitive to your child's needs.
-Being emotionally available to your child.
-Being able and ready to offer close physical comfort when your baby is upset.
-Allowing your child to find other ways to self soothe that are less dependent on you, such as, thumb sucking, rocking their bodies, carrying around a beloved blanket, etc. 
-A willingness to reduce dependence on you as it becomes age appropriate, ie: beginning to put them down drowsy but awake; allowing them to self feed when they are ready, etc. 
-Learning to say "good bye" to your child at daycare or when leaving him with a sitter instead of sneaking off.  If you sneak off, your child will always be anxious that you are about to disappear.  If you are clear and reassuring about your goodbyes, your child will quickly learn that you always come back.
-Being aware of your own childhood issues and how they effect your feelings about your child and parenting.  After all, none of us had a perfect childhood!