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I was browsing my local bookstore the other day, and ran across a book called "Five Easy Steps to Instant Intimacy."  Needless to say, I did not buy it.The title stopped me cold, though.  What is wrong with that title?  Go ahead; think about it...I'll wait.  Give up?  There is no such thing as "instant intimacy"!  It's an oxymoron -- like jumbo shrimp.Intimacy, by its very definition, takes time.  According to Webster's English Dictionary, intimacy is defined as: "n.  close or confidential friendship;   familiarity."  Intimate (from which intimacy is derived) is defined as: "adj.  most private or personal;  very close or familiar; deep and thorough.  n.  an intimate friend;  v.  to make known."Notice that there is no "instant" in those definitions.  Becoming intimate, or very close and personal, requires time in order to really know the other person, deeply and thoroughly.  As such, there is no instant intimacy in a blending family.  Each family member must take the time to get to k... read more »

I received a phone call the other day from a frantic woman, who asked, "What am I supposed to do with two teenagers who refuse to get along?  They are having a problem blending, and it's making life difficult for me and my husband.  With all the tension, anger and yelling, I'm ready to pull my hair out!" On the surface, this problem seems to be about typical teenage rebellion and the normal stresses encountered when you try to blend two families.  It's normal for there to be some tension for a while as everyone adjusts to a new family dynamic.  However, as I dug a little deeper and asked her for more details, a very different picture began to emerge.I asked how long they'd been married. "A week and a half." (Really?!)And how long did you date one another?"Three weeks." (Okay...can you see where this is heading?)And how long has everyone known one another?"Well, we introduced the kids to each other the morning we got married." Wow!  I wasn't even sure where to begin.The problems this... read more »

A woman from Haiti had been visiting her son in Phoenix, and was flying to Los Angeles to visit her daughter.  Her son got permission from the airline to walk with his mother through the security lines to her gate and instruct her about boarding the airplane, since she spoke no English.  After getting through to the gate, the son explained to his mother (in French) what to listen for, and where to board the plane.  He could not wait with her as he had to get to his job.  She cried a little bit as her son hugged and kissed her, but she put on a brave smile as she waved goodbye through her tears.  After he left, the woman sat stiffly in the airport chair, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief, anxiously looking at her watch and then at door through which she would board the plane.  She seemed to be on the verge of panic.A moment later, a smartly dressed woman with a briefcase sat down in the seat next to her and asked, "Parlez vous Francais?" ("Do you speak French?")  Upon hearing thos... read more »

With the new year having come and gone, how are your New Year's resolutions holding up? If you're like 90% of Americans, you've now lost your resolve and are back to business as usual.  Most people give up on their New Year's resolutions by January 8th.  Yet, experts say it takes 21 days (that's three full weeks!) for a new behavior to develop into a habit.  That's 21 days of concerted effort and mindfulness -- proactively concentrating on your resolution, developing a plan to incorporate it into your life, and putting the plan into action.  It is about 14 days more than most people are willing to work at it!  We live in a world of instant messaging, microwave meals, email, voice mail, fast food, and a "gotta-have-it-NOW" mentality. What do New Year's resolutions have to do with blended families?  Too many people look at their stepfamily like a resolution: they enter the family blender with the "gotta-have-it-NOW" mentality.  They think they can just add people together under one ro... read more »

Mother May I?  Or, things parents do that drive stepparents up the wall (and vice-versa)Do you remember the playground game called "Mother, May I?"  In the game (which is a modified version of tag) one kid is "the mother" who has their back turned.  The other kids have to ask permission to make certain moves and sneak up on the mother.  The first kid to move up and tag the mother then takes over as the new mother.  The first kid might say, "I want to take three steps forward, mother may I?" and the mother would say "Yes you may."  Then the next kid says, "I want to take two jumps forward, mother may I?" and the mother might say "no you may not," etc.Anyway, I was thinking about this game the other day because I feel like I'm playing it in real life with my stepkids' biological mother.  Here's why:She doesn't allow me to do my stepdaughter's laundry.  Ok, I admit I did turn her white denim shorts pink, but I think being banned is a little harsh.  She expects me to do my stepson's lau... read more »

One of the things I find most interesting about living in a blender is that there is no "normal."  Everything is always changing.  Nothing stays in one place for long, and nothing is stagnant. Here's an example: Last year my daughter Zoni (then 16) decided she wanted to go live with her dad.  We have a great relationship, and she seemed pretty happy living in Arizona, but she missed her dad and wanted to move to Las Vegas to live with him.  So she packed up her belongings and moved.  It changed everything in two households.  This sort of thing doesn't happen in nuclear families -- only in the blender. Or how about the email I received from a very confused grandmother.  Her son has a daughter, aged 15, and his new wife has a 16-year-old son.  Apparently the teenagers have taken a liking to one another, and were asking Grandma why it wasn't OK for them to date one another!  After all, they reasoned, it's not like they are blood relatives, right?  If their parents hadn't gotten married... read more »